Do You Often Struggle In Relationships?

Do you feel alone even when you are with other people? Have you tried reaching out to your partner, but you aren’t getting the response or connection you desire? Perhaps you feel unable to communicate effectively or resolve conflicts in your romantic, work or social relationships. You may notice you are constantly bickering with your partner about the same ongoing issues, missing special moments or events because you are too busy fighting. Or, you and your partner may withdraw into silence during a disagreement, keeping you from discussing the challenges at hand. You may feel like you are being treated like a roommate or friend instead of an intimate partner. Do you wish you could learn how to better communicate and connect with your partner and other important people in your life? In the past, have you considered or perhaps tried relationship counseling or couples therapy?

Relationships, whether they are romantic, social or professional, are often put to the test when one person feels hurt or unseen. You may believe that your needs, feelings and wants aren’t being understood or taken into consideration by one or many people in your life. It can be challenging to care about what the other person in your relationship is feeling or thinking, especially during a difficult time. Alternately, you may know you are not happy and feel hopeless about your romantic relationship; fearful that divorce may be the only solution and unsure about what to do next.

Almost All Relationships Face Obstacles

Everybody has relationships, from family and loved ones to peers and coworkers. As children we learn and create patterns and tools to help us feel safe and emotionally survive early relationships and hardship. These early attachments and connections teach us how to relate. Even though it might seem unimportant and unnecessary, our history plays a significant role in how we select our relationships and interact with others. This dynamic can be the most difficult part of any adult relationship but, when understood and dealt with, can be the greatest teacher and agent for change. An individual with abandonment issues may recreate that early relationship dynamic as an adult. For example, he or she might marry an alcoholic or workaholic who will be focused on other priorities outside the marriage. According to Harville Hendrix, PhD and creator of Imago Relationship Therapy, “you pick them, you project onto them or you provoke them”.

The good news is relationship counseling can help you build meaningful, lasting connections.

Relationship Counseling Can Help You Feel Heard and Seen Again

When difficulties arise in your relationships, it is common to feel like the other person is at fault. You may think that if you could change or ‘fix’ your partner, co-worker or family member things would be better. In effective relationship counseling, our goal isn’t to ‘fix’ anyone, but to help each individual understand what emotions and patterns they are bringing to the relationship. When you do not feel seen or heard for who you really are, the solution is not in placing blame. And, trying to change the other person will only serve to make them feel similarly unseen and unheard. You want to build a common ground of empathy and understanding to strengthen the bond that you share. Knowing yourself, your needs and your goals in this relationship is the first step in finding that ground.

In our initial sessions, we will begin by doing a short history for each individual. This allows us to see what I call the “no wonder” experience. It happens when you recognize that the patterns and emotions of your history are being recreated and played out in your adult and intimate relationships. When you understand who or what the other individual represents and what you bring to the relationship, you can learn to respond differently and begin to create the change you are looking for. 

After we have completed the history, we will work on learning a communication style in which you can acknowledge the other person while still honoring and expressing what you feel and need. To create the change you want you will need to learn to speak, listen and be empathic. Inarguable statements that describe your reaction (“It made me feel horrible”) are less likely to trigger an argument than statements that place blame or generalize the behavior of your partner (“you always do this”). If you are willing to tell the truth and – for a time – follow directions and try new things, your relationship can change. We will talk about what each person brings and what they are willing to do differently. When one person is committed to change, the relationship can change. When both people are committed to change, the relationship will change.

In my nearly 30 years of working in relationship counseling with couples and other social, professional and familial relationships, I have seen that the difficulty you face is rarely about the issue at hand. It isn’t about the cap being left off of the toothpaste but, rather, about the individual who doesn’t feel heard as a result, and why. When you feel safe and seen in your relationship – even if you don’t always agree – you can feel cared for, cared about and achieve the balance and harmony you’re seeking.

But you may still have questions about relationship counseling…

I’m worried new issues will come up in relationship counseling that make things worse.

When doing this work in order to know yourself and heal your connections, things often feel worse before they get better. My role is to help you share with your partner the unexpressed feelings, thoughts, events and concerns that have created the emotional distance and lack of trust you are feeling now.

I don’t feel comfortable going through my history

I understand that digging into your history can leave you feeling uncomfortable or vulnerable. Oftentimes, talking about your history can be difficult and very painful. Sometimes however people identify that they had a happy childhood, good memories, and no negative experiences. What we will need to explore, however, are those things that did not work, mostly on a deeper emotional level.

My relationship problems aren’t my fault! It’s the other person!

If you are willing to pursue relationship counseling, I can help. Everybody plays a role in every relationship and by accepting responsibility for your part, you can begin to see that the challenges you are facing. They are not about blame or fault but, rather, about understanding and healing both yourself and your partner. If you see it and own it, you can heal it and change it. When I am working with adult children and their parents, the process is somewhat different, but we reach the same outcome of healing and understanding.

You Can Create Meaningful, Lasting Change in Your Relationship

If you are ready to commit to understanding and healing your relationship with a family member, coworker or intimate partner, or if you have any questions regarding relationship counseling, I am available at (909) 815-0762.